I suspect I am not alone when I say that I grew up fearing the judgment of God. (I use “God” here, instead of “Goddess,” intentionally, because the image of the masculine patriarch passing judgment was a significant part of my early experience with this concept.) I was taught that, because of “original sin,” I was forever unworthy in the eyes of God and that, if I did everything just right, God might (but might not) grant me His Grace of forgiveness and ensure my entry into Heaven. This concept was truly frightening because I was also taught that, without God’s blessing, I was doomed; at the same time, however, there was no assurance that, even if I did everything right, God would grant His Grace to me. This view of the world felt incredibly unjust because I was being condemned for something that really had nothing to do with me and over which I had no control. Of course, much, but not all, of this was projection from my experience with my own parents who seemed never to be satisfied no matter how hard I tried or how well I did, and who often punished me (physically at time, but, most painfully, by withdrawing their love and approval) for outbursts of emotions, usually rage, over which I seemed to have no control. Thus, I grew up fearing the judgment of God, of my parents, of my teachers, and, eventually, of myself, because I internalized the message that I wasn’t “good enough” and would never be “good enough” to gain their approval or, more importantly, their love and acceptance.
I saw no way out, no escape, from this dilemma. In fact, there is no way out. Knowing that I could never satisfy anyone, I finally reached the point where, after reading all 1000+ pages of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged in three days, I said to the world, God, my parents (not to their face, of course, I was much too frightened for that), and everyone else, “Fuck you! If I cannot live up to your standards, then I will live by my own and will allow no one, neither God nor human, to tell me what to do.” Needless to say, the rebelliousness this led me to caused many problems in my life, since there were, of course, times when I had to conform to someone else’s rules and expectations to get what I wanted – admission to college and law school, jobs, relationships. But those were dangerous situations for me and for others because that old rage, that uncontrollable need to reject the condemnation I felt from the judgment of others and insist that only I knew what was right for me, lay just beneath the surface, ready to boil up anytime I felt slighted or rejected, not valued for who I am.
Given this history, encountering the Course was a profound revelation for me. Instead of judgment and condemnation, the Course teaches unconditional love. Instead of sin, it teaches our unchanging and unchangeable holiness. Instead of punishment, it teaches there is nothing we or anyone else has ever done that deserves punishment, that the only appropriate response to our sisters no matter what they do or say is love, unconditional, unlimited love. Instead of an unworthiness that we can never change, it teaches that we are all worthy of the Love of Goddess, that indeed we are the Love of Goddess from which we were all created, and that nothing we or anyone else can say or do, or has ever said or done, can change that. I remember the tears that came to my eyes the first time I read that “Goddess Herself is incomplete without me.” (T:9:VII:8:2.) The idea that I was that valuable, that important, that I deserve a place in this world, was a concept I had never encountered before.
The Course teaches these concepts in many different ways over and over again. Some people complain about this near constant repetition, but for me, at least, given the extreme shame I grew up with, the belief that, at my core, I was, and would always be, unworthy, it was the only way that I could begin to believe, and eventually live, the Truth of who I am. There are, however, a few places in the Course where these lessons are stated in ways that had profound meaning for me when I first encountered them, and which continue to carry that meaning for me whenever I repeat them to myself. Here are some of those places:
Directly challenging the concept of God’s Judgment that I grew up with, the Course says:
This is Goddess’ Final Judgment: You are still My holy Daughter, forever innocent, forever loving and forever loved, as limitless as your Creator, . . . completely changeless and forever pure.
(W:p. 455.) I have spent many hours in meditation contemplating the meaning of each phrase in this statement, and have slowly come to not just believe, but to know the Truth of, what it says.
The same message appears in the Manual for Teachers, where it says:
Holy are you, eternal, free and whole, at peace forever in the Heart of Goddess.
(M:15:1:11.) And, again, in the Workbook,
I am one Self, united with my Creator, at one with every aspect of creation, and limitless in power and in peace.
(W:95:11:2.)
These statements have become mantras for me, repeated whenever I have the presence of mind to recognize that I am responding to my fear, instead of the unchanging Love I know myself to be. (I personalize the first two statements by changing “you” to “I”, “your” to “my”, etc.) Through that process, they have become powerful antidotes to fear and shame by reminding me of the Truth of who I am and that, because of my unchanging nature as a Child of Goddess, “[t]here is nothing to fear.” (W:48.)
Abby, I’m glad I read this blog…it explains a lot about your reaction to my blog.
My dear Abby, I could never hate you, or toss your friendship away. I hope you feel the same about me. To me, you are one of the most loving people I’ve met. I just ask that you offer me what you wrote about in this blog…unconditional love. I feel you misunderstood what I was trying to say in my blog…perhaps I’m not that good at explaining myself sometimes. Or, maybe, it’s just that we have fundamental disagreements about the role of government and personal responsibility. I’m not afraid to debate that…I do it all the time in my offline life. As you probably have noticed, I don’t normally dive into politics, etc. Lately I have. It just never seems to make any difference…nobody’s mind is ever changed, even after debate…or so it seems…lol. We all can be so hardheaded sometimes.
Out of curiosity…who wrote the “Course?”
Love you always…I promise. :)Suzi
I understand, Suzi. I think that, if we had a chance to sit down together, we would find that our views are not so different. I think we both believe that personal responsibility and compassion are important values, and that those values are not incompatible. The Course teaches that the material world that we see around us is an illusion, literally an hallucination, created out of fear that arose from the mistaken belief that we are separate from Goddess and Her Love. In reality, we are One with Goddess and each other and only Her Love is real. Thus, the only need we have is to work to bring that reality into our awareness in every moment, and live from that knowledge and not out of our fear.
The “needs” we feel for money, jobs, for material security of every kind, are simply part of that illusion, and we lose our way when we believe that those are the things we need to worry about, instead of focusing on being as loving as we can possibly be, for ourselves, as well as others, in every decision we make. Part of that illusion is that we live in a world of lack, that there is only so much to go around, and that I lose when I give to you, when the truth is that there is only One of us, and that, when I give to you, I am giving to myself as well. Thus, the fear that, by helping those who need help, we are limiting our own prosperity and well-being is the most pernicious sort of illusion, because it is only our One Self that we harm when we deny anyone the love that we all need, whether that love comes in the form of food stamps, jobs, hugs, or just our loving presence. For you see, the illusion that the world we perceive is real is so entrenched that many of us can only recognize love when it comes in such material forms. Because our most important commandment is to share love, we have to do that in ways that those who do not recognize the Love that we are can appreciate. If that comes in the form of “welfare,” so be it, because we all gain when any one of us feels more secure, less fearful, more joy and peace in her life, and no one loses.
The fear that, by helping others, materially or otherwise, we end up with less than we had before, leads to a constant battle between our urge to compassion and the demand that others be responsible for themselves and not ask for my help. And that fear, that battle, is a false one because it is based on the illusion that we live in a world of lack, instead of abundance, and that our material needs must take precedence over striving to live the Truth that we are One with Goddess and each other and that by giving Love, by being loving in whatever way is best seen as loving by another person, we can only gain.
I do not believe in a world of lack, that somehow I lose when others gain. Instead, I know that, the more love, joy and peace there is in this world, the more loving, joyous and peaceful my own life is. It fills my heart and nourishes my soul when I have the opportunity to be loving to another, so that is what I seek each day.
Lest you think that I believe myself to be some perfect being, I too struggle every day with fear of my own financial insecurity, of being alone and unloved, and all the other insecurities that we all suffer from, from time to time. Thankfully, though, the Course has given me tools that allow me to not be controlled by my fear and be loving instead. To do that I remind myself that,
(Text, Introduction, 2:2-4.) And then I pray for a miracle, for a change in my perception. I ask Goddess to allow me to see the situation I am in, whatever it is, differently, to help me see the Love of Goddess everywhere I look, in myself and all those I encounter. And then I allow myself to choose again; I choose to be directed by Love and not controlled by my fear. So, I ask, what would Love do? What is the most loving thing I can do for myself and others in this situation? Then, I wait until I receive the guidance I have asked for and follow that to the best of my ability. And, sometimes, I wander from that path, but I know that all I need do is ask again to be guided by Love, instead of fear, then continue on living in Love the best that I can each moment.
Blessings,
Abby
P.S. The short answer to your question of “who wrote the Course,” is Jesus. That is an answer that many people will not accept and one that I still struggle with. Fortunately, I have learned that it isn’t necessary to believe in Jesus’ authorship to know the Truth of what the Course teaches and to be blessed by the transformations it has brought to my life. The long answer to how the Course came to be is much more complicated, and instructive, but also unnecessary to learning the lessons it has to teach. That story is for another place, not here, not now.
I hate to intrude. This is a truly wonderful post, Abby. It shows me one, like myself, who sought to overcome alone, the obstacles in her way
It also shows me one, who also like me, found that the indivdual struggle will always be a struggle when it’s individual. It’s through connection and mutuality I have come to know that we thrive and win our ways into the deeply sacred ways of human being, those small Edens given us by Mother’s grace.
The Oasis of Friendship and Connection seems to me the place where the water of life runs unabated to my lips when I am thirsty. *smile* Through my connections with other, I live most truly and gracefully.
Thank you.
Radha, your presence is always a blessing, never an intrusion.
Your reference to the “Oasis of Friendship” and the “water of life” reminds of this passage from the Course, which I quoted before:
(T:18:VII:9). Thanks for being here.