Returning

It’s been more than two years, since I posted here. Much has happened in those years, much of it painful, not in the least because I largely abandoned my daily practice of study and meditation. As a result, I nearly forgot the truth of who I am: a loving Child of Goddess in whom She is well pleased. (T:4:I:8:6)

My favorite reminder of that truth comes from the Workbook for Students. Between Lessons 310 and 311, there is a short section titled “What is the Last Judgment?” Like many others, I feared God’s judgment (the use of “God,” instead of “Goddess” here is intentional, since it was a male God that I feared), because I knew, in the deepest, darkest part of my being, that I would be found wanting, that if anyone knew who I really was, they wouldn’t – indeed, couldn’t – love me, and it was love – and acceptance – that I so desperately sought to heal my heart. So, to read that this is “Goddess’ Final Judgment,” and, slowly, over the course of many days, weeks, months, even years, spent meditating on each phrase, begin to believe it, was – and still is – a profound revelation:

I am still Her holy Daughter, forever innocent, forever loving and forever loved, as limitless as my Creator, completely changeless and forever pure.*

I have begun to remember these truths over the last month or so as, out of pure desperation over the pain, fear and depression I have felt for so long, I have returned to daily study of the Course, combined with prayer, meditation and kirtan (singing the names of Goddess – more on that in another post). The peace that the Course brought me in the past began to return when I affirmed, to myself, my friends and the world, that “My goal is peace,” and to remind myself of that goal as I move through each day. Since then, my life has been transformed. After two dysfunctional living situations, I am now living with a dear friend in a beautiful home in the pines in Prescott where I feel safe and loved; indeed, where I feel home after just two short weeks. And, for the first time in years, I feel empowered to work, instead of blocked by procrastination, fear and shame.

So, thank you, Goddess, for guiding me back to the truth of who I am. And thanks to my new, loving friend, Khailitha, whose kind comments about my blogs this morning, brought me back here, inspired to write again about who I am and what I know to be the truth.

* I realize that these words are slightly changed from the original, but this is the way the words have come to me and proven most useful. For me, the Course works best when I personalize – when I internalize – the lessons it teaches.

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Goddess’ Final Judgment

I suspect I am not alone when I say that I grew up fearing the judgment of God. (I use “God” here, instead of “Goddess,” intentionally, because the image of the masculine patriarch passing judgment was a significant part of my early experience with this concept.) I was taught that, because of “original sin,” I was forever unworthy in the eyes of God and that, if I did everything just right, God might (but might not) grant me His Grace of forgiveness and ensure my entry into Heaven. This concept was truly frightening because I was also taught that, without God’s blessing, I was doomed; at the same time, however, there was no assurance that, even if I did everything right, God would grant His Grace to me. This view of the world felt incredibly unjust because I was being condemned for something that really had nothing to do with me and over which I had no control. Of course, much, but not all, of this was projection from my experience with my own parents who seemed never to be satisfied no matter how hard I tried or how well I did, and who often punished me (physically at time, but, most painfully, by withdrawing their love and approval) for outbursts of emotions, usually rage, over which I seemed to have no control. Thus, I grew up fearing the judgment of God, of my parents, of my teachers, and, eventually, of myself, because I internalized the message that I wasn’t “good enough” and would never be “good enough” to gain their approval or, more importantly, their love and acceptance.

I saw no way out, no escape, from this dilemma.

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